A Dawning Realization

Please note: This post is just about me. I firmly believe that God has everyone on their own journey. This is a step in my own personal path.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve quit watching TV. It didn’t come as an intentional decision, just a necessary consequence of changing priorities.

Amusement in the form of movies & especially TV shows has been an off-and-on (mostly on) addiction for me for almost a decade.

During college it was NCIS. In Uganda and Dallas, it became Sherlock and then Survivor—season after season of it.

There have been a couple times I have literally watched episode after episode, all through the darkness of the night until nearly dawn.

Again and again, guilt would assail me for putting so much time into amusement. But again and again, I would get sucked back into it.

In January, when I was sick in bed with the flu for three days straight, basically all I did was watch movies on my computer.

AMUSEMENT. I still remember years and years ago, my dad looking up the etymology of that word. Check this out: it literally means “to divert the attention, beguile, delude;” in other words, to avoid musing/thinking. 

I’m working through a book called Genesis Process with a small accountability group here at a church in Portland. Originally written (by Michael Dye) to help recovering addicts, it has since been broadened to cover how to deal (spiritually and emotionally) with a wider variety of coping skills. And my relationship with amusement has definitely been an addiction/method of coping by avoidance.

“Remember, the limbic memory records things that have to do with fear/pain and pleasure/reward. So when you do something that makes you feel better, taking away pain and fear, you will naturally want to do it again.” Genesis Process #7, p. 97

College was a super stretching/growing time for me. I was away from my nuclear family for the first time in my life—and for me that was a huge step. There was the stress of college plus the processing of relationships, old and new.

I also became exposed to a lot more media consumption than I had been previously. I made the discovery of how to watch full movies online for free. {Yep, I’ve done that—a lot.} At some point in the first couple years of college, it became a frequent habit to watch some movie/show on my computer before going to bed. And the habit has mostly stuck through the years since…even in the bush of Uganda.

For me, this habit was a way to forget about the stress/problems facing me in real life. Especially with NCIS, I’ve realized that I hungered for those “real-world” problems that could somehow always be solved in 45 minutes, or maybe an hour and a half. I have also been fascinated by the character development in all three of my pitfall shows.

But in the past few weeks, I’ve noticed myself pulling back from the habit when I’m alone. For a few reasons:

• As I’ve been wrestling with early morning insomnia, an earlier bed time is wiser/necessary. I’m talking 8/8:30 pm some nights! :O
• Plus, screen time right before bed is an insomnia no-no anyway!
• I’m realizing the critical importance for me of processing heart-level issues with God via writing or journaling. This takes time!!
• God is working on bringing healing and revealing how my own choices have led me to where I am. And, by His grace & strength, I want to change and be more intentional/proactive.
• I have lots of responsibilities from Servant Teams that I can’t seem to get on top of….partly because of the time spent doing personal writing. There’s just not enough hours in the day to spend a couple on amusement!
• I’ve found myself wanting to stay in touch with my close friends in other places. Those phone conversations have been sweet times of encouragement and fellowship to me, and hopefully to my parents/’sisters’/mentors as well!!

I don’t have a neat bow to tie this post off with. I’m still on the journey. Like I said, my recent solo-time amusement fast hasn’t been something I intentionally planned on…it has just happened. And I know myself—I’m guessing that there will be future times when I’m lured back into it. But for now, I’m enjoying being more proactive and intentional with my alone time.

Please pray for me to learn a balance in this area of my life as well—not to be a pendulum wildly swinging from one extreme to the other. Thanks so much!

A UGM Story

Being a detail person, I wish I could share this story more in-depth with you. But the need to respect the confidentiality of our UGM guests necessitates me keeping this pretty general.

It started a week ago Thursday.

No, actually it started earlier than that. I don’t remember when the first time was that I came out from behind the table…but I definitely felt the difference when I did.

What do I mean, “out from behind the table”?

Well, when I first showed up to work at UGM nine weeks ago, the crew chief encouraged me to start off serving food to the guests, until I got to feeling comfortable in the environment. When serving food, a table separated me from the line of hungry people. Interactions were brief, focused mainly on what food item they wanted. Even when I helped the resource guru, the table we sat behind still created a type of barrier.

My typical view when serving...though this was on a very lightly attended morning!

Eventually, I felt ready to move out and try “working the floor” – clearing trash, wiping down tables, scooting in chairs, sweeping crumbs, etc. Being out from behind the table seems to even the playing field in a way. It opens one up to the possibility of longer conversations. Honestly, I’m not great at capitalizing on that opportunity, but I have had people stand and talk with me for a couple minutes at a time—one lady asked me to pray for her situation. But that’s her story…

The vast majority of our guests are conscientious about throwing away their own trash and letting us know if they accidentally spilled something. So oftentimes those of us working the floor are not constantly busy.

Well, a week ago Thursday I was working floor again – and I noticed some trash (cup/napkin/etc.) at an empty spot. So I cleared it away. A few minutes later, I noticed a man sitting there. And he was glaring at me, hardcore. The only thing I could conclude was that he wasn’t happy with me for throwing his empty things away while he was back in line for more food.

The glaring continued, so that I finally moved from my normal standing spot to the other side of the room to avoid his gaze. Eventually, he left the building. When I was going around with the broom and dustpan later, I realized that there was a bag of plastic bottles/aluminum cans at the chair where he had been sitting. Thinking he might possibly come back for them, I set them near the front door.

And I was right—he came back. I happened to be near the door when I saw him coming in, so I plucked up some courage and went up to him with the bag. “I think you left these,” I said…and he thanked me. A simple enough interaction, but I feel that I was able to show him a taste of Christ’s love even in that brief interchange…especially in light of the angry way he had been staring at me earlier.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I was sitting at the resource table near the front door and saw this same man come in. And when he saw me, he actually waved at me. Later I saw him talking to one of our crew members—and then the next thing I knew, this guest was sitting down in the chair across from mine, asking what type of resources I had to offer.

At the resource table!

To say that I initially felt intimidated because of the ‘evil eye’ he had given me the time before might be an understatement. But neither of us referred to that previous interaction—and while it was definitely prominent in my mind, part of me wonders if he remembered it at all. If he hadn’t waved at me when he came in, I would be more inclined to say that he didn’t. But the wave seemed to indicate recognition….so who knows.

Anyway, what followed was an interesting conversation full of several tangents. Like I said, I would love to tell you all the details…but that would be broaching his right to confidentiality. Suffice it to say, he seems to be a widely-read, well-educated person. Although I don’t know the veracity of some of the things he was telling me about, he made me think of someone who would love to be a history lecturer.

Basically, he told me that he wants to get into a recovery program for the sake of his family. That’s the generic version of what he said.

He must have sat and talked with me for…I don’t know, 15-30 minutes. Which was mostly him talking and me listening. It had been a slow morning at the resource table, so it’s not like there were others waiting. The crew guys were familiar with this guest, and at least three of them stopped at the table to check in and make sure I was comfortable with how the conversation was going—they’re so fantastic!

Well, it came time for the dayroom to close for the morning…and as we concluded filling out the informational form so my supervisor could follow up with him, I told the guest that I would be praying for him. And I told him, “I believe Jesus loves you.” According to what he was telling me, he knew he was making some poor life choices—and he wanted to change. But from one of his earlier comments, I could tell he wasn’t a believer.

Other than a bit at kids’ VBS/CEF events, I think that’s the closest I’ve ever come to sharing the gospel with anyone, especially an adult. Evangelism is definitely not one of my strong points….

He commented that I must be a liberal Christian because I wasn’t a Bible-thumping, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” type of Christian. He would have started off on another whole tangent about theology…something about how there was the Word before there was God. Which tried to push my “belief” button, but it really was closing time and I was not in the mood to get in an argument with someone I knew I didn’t agree with. So we parted ways.

But he keeps on coming back to my mind…and I have been praying for him. And I would ask that you pray for him too. I saw him in the dayroom again yesterday morning. But he didn’t come sit at the resource table with me again, so I didn’t have any personal interaction with him.

God knows this guest’s heart. God knows where he is at on the journey that He has planned for him. I may never know the rest of his story. But I hope that even just by sitting with him and being a “good listener,” as he called me, maybe—just maybe—my comment about Jesus’ love for him won’t have fallen on deaf ears.

Thanks for your prayers for him, and also for me as I continue interacting with our wide variety of guests for the next five weeks until my UGM internship finishes. The interactions I have had there, coupled with the topics we’ve been covering in our Servant Teams trainings, have definitely given me more of a heart for the marginalized and downtrodden here in my own country.

Internship First Impressions

As part of the Portland, OR portion of the Servant Teams program (see previous entry), I and two of my teammates are interning at a Union Gospel Mission here.

UGM exists to feed the hungry, restore the addict, and love their neighbor. They primarily minister to the homeless population in downtown Portland through their dayroom. UGM also runs two LifeChange programs, one for men and one for women, for those who want to recover from addiction.

The men in LifeChange work for the mission during the days, as well as taking part in counseling and other elements of the program.

My role at UGM is to help in the dayroom, offering food and other services to the local homeless guests. I started this week and will be working there every Tuesday and Thursday until December. My two teammates are working with Search + Rescue, which goes out to those living in homeless camps in other areas.

I wanted to share some of my observations from my first couple days of working there. My intention is not to pass judgment or criticize anything…these are merely what I have seen and experienced to give you a picture.

As I mentioned, it is the men in LifeChange who staff a lot of the homeless service positions. On Tuesday I met and joined the crew of seven men who prep and serve the daily meals. There have also been a couple other volunteers who have helped out as well.

The dayroom--offering protection from the elements outside, light meals, tables/chairs, and a bathroom--is open to the homeless guests three times a day, Tuesday through Friday. Breakfast (pastries, limited hot sandwiches, and coffee) is from 10-11:30, and lunch (pastries, sandwiches, and kool aid) is from 2-3:45. There is also a chapel service with a dinner afterwards in the evening – but I haven’t been part of that yet.

Pastry rack awaiting the breakfast crowd

My individual job has been to prep and hand out the pastries at three of the four meals in the two days I’ve been there. This morning at breakfast, we served over 100 guests. Breakfasts are usually a smaller group than lunch, but today’s breakfast crowd was evidently unusually large!

So here are my observations—in no particular order.

There are a wide variety of people who utilize the UGM services. Some don’t “look” homeless—others very obviously do.

There’s a wide range of responses from people coming through the line. Some don’t say a word, just point to what they want. Others interact briefly. A few express their gratitude.

Many of the guests go through the line multiple times, since they are only allowed two items at a time. Some get right back in line as soon as they’ve received their first items and make that circle often.

The dignity of choice – some guests have an opinion on exactly which piece of pastry they want. Most simply specify a flavor. Only a couple don’t care what they get.

People’s hands have struck me as I have placed the pastries into them. Some have been bent with age. Others have been the dirtiest hands I have ever seen. One person’s looked like it was bleeding along the edge of every fingernail. Many are decently clean.

The crew I work with is amazing. Maybe if I get their permission I’ll be able to share a bit of their stories with you. I’ve only heard snippets so far. But they have been so welcoming and supportive and encouraging to me. And they have fun together.

The crew leader gathers the members together and prays with them before each time of opening the doors to the guests. He also sometimes sings along loudly to the Christian music playing on the radio :)

Today's lunch line shortly after opening.

Some of the guests stay the whole time the dayroom is open. I noticed some gathered in small groups, apparently chatting and fellowshipping. Others come and go much more quickly.

There are those who carry their bag of belongings with them every time they go through the line…presumably because they don’t want to be apart from it even for a few minutes.

I couldn’t help but notice the apparent car key hanging around one guest’s neck…or the different leggings that another guest wore every time I saw her…or the presence of phones, including smart phones.

The excitement of one gentleman about going to get fitted for dentures to replace his missing teeth.

I watched as one of my crew mates helped one particularly troubled guest put his shoes and socks back on. This guest would rarely even wipe the snot from his nose…

Quite a few guests (relatively speaking) had dogs with them…Some little and a couple big!

Only a couple times so far have I witnessed cussing or rudeness. The LifeChange workers are quick to step in and deal with any issues that arise, so that things don’t get out of hand.

Inequality is hard. I haven’t been able to avoid taking note of the difference in the lunch served to the UGM staff/residents vs. the more limited fare for the homeless guests. And it pangs me that we live in a world in which such inequalities seem virtually unavoidable.

Yesterday at lunch, several guests were thrilled to get potato salad—such a seemingly small thing, but it seemed to make their day.

During lunch today, I sat with a lady at a resources table. She is a wealth of experience and information about what services are available to homeless people. She volunteers her time to help connect the UGM guests to what is available to help their individual situations. The goal is that I will be able to help her and maybe even do it in her absence…but the latter is a tall order, as there’s no way I can match her level of knowledge in such a short time!

Well, it’s late and I think that’s all I’ve got at this point. Thanks for reading!!

A Life Update

Obviously I'm not the best blogger!!!

My main excuse is that I have a monthly email newsletter I send out to a long list of friends--and I am usually very active on Facebook.

But I was getting ready to write a new blog post here...and then realized I should really put a more general update! Due to a variety of circumstances, including health issues, I ended up resigning from my position and leaving Uganda in April.

Here's the email update I sent out in July with my news about what is next, just in case you missed it.

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Life, and my feelings, have continued to be a roller coaster over these past months. There have been days that have been exciting and fun, like several trips with my parents—especially camping with Nathan over the 4^th of July in North Dakota.

But there have also been days when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always responded rightly to the circumstances and trials that God has been allowing in my life for His purposes. In fact, there have been times my attitude has been downright rebellious.

But God. Two simple little words, but what a wealth of truth and hope is summed up in those two words.

I don’t have all the answers I wish I had. I made choices that led me to this place, which I regret. But I think one of the lessons I’m learning from this is being reminded that God is the Redeemer of broken things. And He has placed a new, open door of opportunity before me—even when I recognize so clearly that I have done nothing to deserve it.

Last year, I heard about an organization called Lahash and joined their mailing list. They partner with various grassroots ministries in East Africa. When I got back from Uganda in April, I found a brochure in my mail about a program they run called Servant Teams. Servant Teams is a gap year program for young people ages 18-30, with a motto of Love God, Serve Together. It focuses on training missional leaders for local and global ministries, something that I would love to be part of.

I was intrigued by what I read in the brochure, and even with the fresh pang of leaving Uganda I wondered if this might be something God had next for me. Well, I sent in my application on the day of the deadline, and the following week I had an interview with the program director. Seeing my own shortcomings and weaknesses, I doubted that I would be accepted into the program.

But the following week I got a call, offering me a place in this year’s Servant Team! It took a couple days for the reality of my acceptance to sink in and grow into excitement about this amazing opportunity. But by now I can say that I am definitely blessed and thrilled to be part of this program!

There are a lot of details about the coming year that I don’t know yet…but to read more of what I do know about it you can check out this link and watch the included video.

This is a 10-month program, running from September to June. I leave on August 29^th to start the program! The first five months our team of five [now four] will be taking part in trainings at Lahash’s headquarters in Portland, OR. We will also be interning at a Union Gospel Mission in Portland, or with a community development group called the Rosewood Initiative. Then in February we will travel to Tanzania, East Africa for another five months of interning with Grace and Healing Ministries, one of Lahash’s partners.

I don’t know yet what will come after June, or what other doors of opportunity being part of Servant Teams may open. But I believe this is what God has placed in front of me for the next year, and I can’t wait to be grown and stretched and renewed through it!

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Obviously I am now in Portland, OR! I arrived about two weeks ago, and our team has dived right in to getting to know one another and being oriented to Lahash International's programs and underlying philosophy. It's been a fantastic and amazing experience so far!!

Here is our team of four, plus our two facilitators on either end: