A Dawning Realization

Please note: This post is just about me. I firmly believe that God has everyone on their own journey. This is a step in my own personal path.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve quit watching TV. It didn’t come as an intentional decision, just a necessary consequence of changing priorities.

Amusement in the form of movies & especially TV shows has been an off-and-on (mostly on) addiction for me for almost a decade.

During college it was NCIS. In Uganda and Dallas, it became Sherlock and then Survivor—season after season of it.

There have been a couple times I have literally watched episode after episode, all through the darkness of the night until nearly dawn.

Again and again, guilt would assail me for putting so much time into amusement. But again and again, I would get sucked back into it.

In January, when I was sick in bed with the flu for three days straight, basically all I did was watch movies on my computer.

AMUSEMENT. I still remember years and years ago, my dad looking up the etymology of that word. Check this out: it literally means “to divert the attention, beguile, delude;” in other words, to avoid musing/thinking. 

I’m working through a book called Genesis Process with a small accountability group here at a church in Portland. Originally written (by Michael Dye) to help recovering addicts, it has since been broadened to cover how to deal (spiritually and emotionally) with a wider variety of coping skills. And my relationship with amusement has definitely been an addiction/method of coping by avoidance.

“Remember, the limbic memory records things that have to do with fear/pain and pleasure/reward. So when you do something that makes you feel better, taking away pain and fear, you will naturally want to do it again.” Genesis Process #7, p. 97

College was a super stretching/growing time for me. I was away from my nuclear family for the first time in my life—and for me that was a huge step. There was the stress of college plus the processing of relationships, old and new.

I also became exposed to a lot more media consumption than I had been previously. I made the discovery of how to watch full movies online for free. {Yep, I’ve done that—a lot.} At some point in the first couple years of college, it became a frequent habit to watch some movie/show on my computer before going to bed. And the habit has mostly stuck through the years since…even in the bush of Uganda.

For me, this habit was a way to forget about the stress/problems facing me in real life. Especially with NCIS, I’ve realized that I hungered for those “real-world” problems that could somehow always be solved in 45 minutes, or maybe an hour and a half. I have also been fascinated by the character development in all three of my pitfall shows.

But in the past few weeks, I’ve noticed myself pulling back from the habit when I’m alone. For a few reasons:

• As I’ve been wrestling with early morning insomnia, an earlier bed time is wiser/necessary. I’m talking 8/8:30 pm some nights! :O
• Plus, screen time right before bed is an insomnia no-no anyway!
• I’m realizing the critical importance for me of processing heart-level issues with God via writing or journaling. This takes time!!
• God is working on bringing healing and revealing how my own choices have led me to where I am. And, by His grace & strength, I want to change and be more intentional/proactive.
• I have lots of responsibilities from Servant Teams that I can’t seem to get on top of….partly because of the time spent doing personal writing. There’s just not enough hours in the day to spend a couple on amusement!
• I’ve found myself wanting to stay in touch with my close friends in other places. Those phone conversations have been sweet times of encouragement and fellowship to me, and hopefully to my parents/’sisters’/mentors as well!!

I don’t have a neat bow to tie this post off with. I’m still on the journey. Like I said, my recent solo-time amusement fast hasn’t been something I intentionally planned on…it has just happened. And I know myself—I’m guessing that there will be future times when I’m lured back into it. But for now, I’m enjoying being more proactive and intentional with my alone time.

Please pray for me to learn a balance in this area of my life as well—not to be a pendulum wildly swinging from one extreme to the other. Thanks so much!

A UGM Story

Being a detail person, I wish I could share this story more in-depth with you. But the need to respect the confidentiality of our UGM guests necessitates me keeping this pretty general.

It started a week ago Thursday.

No, actually it started earlier than that. I don’t remember when the first time was that I came out from behind the table…but I definitely felt the difference when I did.

What do I mean, “out from behind the table”?

Well, when I first showed up to work at UGM nine weeks ago, the crew chief encouraged me to start off serving food to the guests, until I got to feeling comfortable in the environment. When serving food, a table separated me from the line of hungry people. Interactions were brief, focused mainly on what food item they wanted. Even when I helped the resource guru, the table we sat behind still created a type of barrier.

My typical view when serving...though this was on a very lightly attended morning!

Eventually, I felt ready to move out and try “working the floor” – clearing trash, wiping down tables, scooting in chairs, sweeping crumbs, etc. Being out from behind the table seems to even the playing field in a way. It opens one up to the possibility of longer conversations. Honestly, I’m not great at capitalizing on that opportunity, but I have had people stand and talk with me for a couple minutes at a time—one lady asked me to pray for her situation. But that’s her story…

The vast majority of our guests are conscientious about throwing away their own trash and letting us know if they accidentally spilled something. So oftentimes those of us working the floor are not constantly busy.

Well, a week ago Thursday I was working floor again – and I noticed some trash (cup/napkin/etc.) at an empty spot. So I cleared it away. A few minutes later, I noticed a man sitting there. And he was glaring at me, hardcore. The only thing I could conclude was that he wasn’t happy with me for throwing his empty things away while he was back in line for more food.

The glaring continued, so that I finally moved from my normal standing spot to the other side of the room to avoid his gaze. Eventually, he left the building. When I was going around with the broom and dustpan later, I realized that there was a bag of plastic bottles/aluminum cans at the chair where he had been sitting. Thinking he might possibly come back for them, I set them near the front door.

And I was right—he came back. I happened to be near the door when I saw him coming in, so I plucked up some courage and went up to him with the bag. “I think you left these,” I said…and he thanked me. A simple enough interaction, but I feel that I was able to show him a taste of Christ’s love even in that brief interchange…especially in light of the angry way he had been staring at me earlier.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I was sitting at the resource table near the front door and saw this same man come in. And when he saw me, he actually waved at me. Later I saw him talking to one of our crew members—and then the next thing I knew, this guest was sitting down in the chair across from mine, asking what type of resources I had to offer.

At the resource table!

To say that I initially felt intimidated because of the ‘evil eye’ he had given me the time before might be an understatement. But neither of us referred to that previous interaction—and while it was definitely prominent in my mind, part of me wonders if he remembered it at all. If he hadn’t waved at me when he came in, I would be more inclined to say that he didn’t. But the wave seemed to indicate recognition….so who knows.

Anyway, what followed was an interesting conversation full of several tangents. Like I said, I would love to tell you all the details…but that would be broaching his right to confidentiality. Suffice it to say, he seems to be a widely-read, well-educated person. Although I don’t know the veracity of some of the things he was telling me about, he made me think of someone who would love to be a history lecturer.

Basically, he told me that he wants to get into a recovery program for the sake of his family. That’s the generic version of what he said.

He must have sat and talked with me for…I don’t know, 15-30 minutes. Which was mostly him talking and me listening. It had been a slow morning at the resource table, so it’s not like there were others waiting. The crew guys were familiar with this guest, and at least three of them stopped at the table to check in and make sure I was comfortable with how the conversation was going—they’re so fantastic!

Well, it came time for the dayroom to close for the morning…and as we concluded filling out the informational form so my supervisor could follow up with him, I told the guest that I would be praying for him. And I told him, “I believe Jesus loves you.” According to what he was telling me, he knew he was making some poor life choices—and he wanted to change. But from one of his earlier comments, I could tell he wasn’t a believer.

Other than a bit at kids’ VBS/CEF events, I think that’s the closest I’ve ever come to sharing the gospel with anyone, especially an adult. Evangelism is definitely not one of my strong points….

He commented that I must be a liberal Christian because I wasn’t a Bible-thumping, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” type of Christian. He would have started off on another whole tangent about theology…something about how there was the Word before there was God. Which tried to push my “belief” button, but it really was closing time and I was not in the mood to get in an argument with someone I knew I didn’t agree with. So we parted ways.

But he keeps on coming back to my mind…and I have been praying for him. And I would ask that you pray for him too. I saw him in the dayroom again yesterday morning. But he didn’t come sit at the resource table with me again, so I didn’t have any personal interaction with him.

God knows this guest’s heart. God knows where he is at on the journey that He has planned for him. I may never know the rest of his story. But I hope that even just by sitting with him and being a “good listener,” as he called me, maybe—just maybe—my comment about Jesus’ love for him won’t have fallen on deaf ears.

Thanks for your prayers for him, and also for me as I continue interacting with our wide variety of guests for the next five weeks until my UGM internship finishes. The interactions I have had there, coupled with the topics we’ve been covering in our Servant Teams trainings, have definitely given me more of a heart for the marginalized and downtrodden here in my own country.