A Dawning Realization

Please note: This post is just about me. I firmly believe that God has everyone on their own journey. This is a step in my own personal path.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve quit watching TV. It didn’t come as an intentional decision, just a necessary consequence of changing priorities.

Amusement in the form of movies & especially TV shows has been an off-and-on (mostly on) addiction for me for almost a decade.

During college it was NCIS. In Uganda and Dallas, it became Sherlock and then Survivor—season after season of it.

There have been a couple times I have literally watched episode after episode, all through the darkness of the night until nearly dawn.

Again and again, guilt would assail me for putting so much time into amusement. But again and again, I would get sucked back into it.

In January, when I was sick in bed with the flu for three days straight, basically all I did was watch movies on my computer.

AMUSEMENT. I still remember years and years ago, my dad looking up the etymology of that word. Check this out: it literally means “to divert the attention, beguile, delude;” in other words, to avoid musing/thinking. 

I’m working through a book called Genesis Process with a small accountability group here at a church in Portland. Originally written (by Michael Dye) to help recovering addicts, it has since been broadened to cover how to deal (spiritually and emotionally) with a wider variety of coping skills. And my relationship with amusement has definitely been an addiction/method of coping by avoidance.

“Remember, the limbic memory records things that have to do with fear/pain and pleasure/reward. So when you do something that makes you feel better, taking away pain and fear, you will naturally want to do it again.” Genesis Process #7, p. 97

College was a super stretching/growing time for me. I was away from my nuclear family for the first time in my life—and for me that was a huge step. There was the stress of college plus the processing of relationships, old and new.

I also became exposed to a lot more media consumption than I had been previously. I made the discovery of how to watch full movies online for free. {Yep, I’ve done that—a lot.} At some point in the first couple years of college, it became a frequent habit to watch some movie/show on my computer before going to bed. And the habit has mostly stuck through the years since…even in the bush of Uganda.

For me, this habit was a way to forget about the stress/problems facing me in real life. Especially with NCIS, I’ve realized that I hungered for those “real-world” problems that could somehow always be solved in 45 minutes, or maybe an hour and a half. I have also been fascinated by the character development in all three of my pitfall shows.

But in the past few weeks, I’ve noticed myself pulling back from the habit when I’m alone. For a few reasons:

• As I’ve been wrestling with early morning insomnia, an earlier bed time is wiser/necessary. I’m talking 8/8:30 pm some nights! :O
• Plus, screen time right before bed is an insomnia no-no anyway!
• I’m realizing the critical importance for me of processing heart-level issues with God via writing or journaling. This takes time!!
• God is working on bringing healing and revealing how my own choices have led me to where I am. And, by His grace & strength, I want to change and be more intentional/proactive.
• I have lots of responsibilities from Servant Teams that I can’t seem to get on top of….partly because of the time spent doing personal writing. There’s just not enough hours in the day to spend a couple on amusement!
• I’ve found myself wanting to stay in touch with my close friends in other places. Those phone conversations have been sweet times of encouragement and fellowship to me, and hopefully to my parents/’sisters’/mentors as well!!

I don’t have a neat bow to tie this post off with. I’m still on the journey. Like I said, my recent solo-time amusement fast hasn’t been something I intentionally planned on…it has just happened. And I know myself—I’m guessing that there will be future times when I’m lured back into it. But for now, I’m enjoying being more proactive and intentional with my alone time.

Please pray for me to learn a balance in this area of my life as well—not to be a pendulum wildly swinging from one extreme to the other. Thanks so much!