HOW Did You End up in Uganda??

 HI! I know this is a weird way to break another year and a half of silence ... but I need this as the back story for a post I'm working on for a different blog. So here you go!

When I graduated from JBU in May 2013, four things were true:

1. I had a full summer scheduled - two weeks home and then a month in Northern Ireland with a missions team from JBU. 

2. Next was an eight-week internship with Samaritan's Purse in North Carolina, doing just what I thought I wanted to do (communications for a non-profit). I wanted to do so well at the internship that I would get offered a job at the end of it, and I would be SET! Successful college graduate with a job/career in my field!!!!

3. Some missionaries from a little-known organization, called New Hope Uganda, had come and spoken at the church I attended during college, about God's heart for the fatherless, about the heart of the orphan (and that we're all spiritual orphans without Christ), and about what the organization they worked with was trying to do about it. 

That was in April, and I found my heart deeply stirred by what they shared. BUT, #1 & #2 above.

4. The pastor--and his wife and family--from that same church I attended were leaving the church to go be missionaries in western Uganda.

But then real life hit:

1. I loved doing hands-on ministry work in N.Ireland. No, it wasn't always easy, but we had an amazing team from JBU that quickly became like a little family unit. And some of the kids we worked with really grabbed at my heart strings! A part of me wanted to go back and intern with the YFC couple who we had worked with. Door #1.

2. Transitioning into a totally new experience with totally new people at SP was challenging. Because of my missions trip, I arrived four weeks later than the other interns, and stayed four weeks later. SP was my first exposure to working in a "corporate" environment, and the sterility of it was galling. Yes, there were definitely amazing things! Like the daily devotions, the team I worked with, the stories I got to tell--especially in Joplin and NYC. I loved the latter because it got me outside the four walls of my cubicle, not to the point of getting my hands dirty, but at least to being able to tell the stories of those who were! I could go on, but I think you get the point ... There were times I was thoroughly confused about what I wanted, but I did apply for the job I had been filling for eight weeks towards the end of my time there. Door #2.

Door #3 in my head was to go back to my beloved Siloam Springs, AR and continue work I had started my senior year as a personal assistant for a dear gal who has cerebral palsy. She didn't have a roommate for the fall, and needed extra help.

3. & 4. In July, while I was in the midst of the entry throes at SP, I received an email newsletter from the pastor's family. They weren't going to western Uganda anymore - they were joining New Hope Uganda. And they were asking for someone to come with them and homeschool their kids while they were in NHU's training program. HUH, I thought - and there was just that nudge in my spirit. But, Doors #1, 2, and 3 above!!!

Fast forward to the middle/end of September, 2013. All of my three doors had closed. #1 - The YFC board declined an internship position in Killyleagh. #2 - I received the dreaded "I'm Sorry" phone call. I never had the courage to ask why they didn't hire me. #3 - My friend was content to be by herself in her room and knew God would bring the helpers she needed.

So there I sat, not knowing WHAT I was going to do next! I was working on applying to places like Dave Ramsey and The Jesus Film, and creating a spreadsheet (of course!) with scores of agencies and organizations. And I was waiting for Oct. 1st. Why Oct. 1st? Because that's when I expected the next newsletter from the pastor's family, and I just had a feeling ... but the last letter had said they were pursuing two potential candidates.

And then finally the letter came. They had no one lined up, and they were leaving for the field soon.

I sat on it for a week.

And then I sent a tentative email.

'Hello, remember me? I'm not qualified (no teacher training), but I'm available.'

And the reply came back - 'YES, we are interested! When can we have a phone call??'

About 10 weeks later, I was on an airplane headed to Uganda, with a family--who I knew only as passing acquaintances from four years at a church--waiting to pick me up when I got there.

Crazy? Looking back, YES, I would say so!!!

Used by God? Definitely.

Always easy? NOPE!!

Worth it? YES.

And that's the tale of how I got to Uganda :)

Breaking the Silence

A week and a half ago, I sat in my psychiatrist’s office. Thankful that I had made it two more months since my last appointment with no sudden downturns, no sleepless nights.

But I told him I was feeling apathetic in the mornings, like it was hard to get up in time to read my Bible—it was easier to snooze my alarm until I had to get up for work. I said I would try to take my medicine earlier the night before, he nodded his head and said what I am on are the least sedative drugs in their families. He commented on the smile and sparkle in my eye I had, even though it was still morning.

Then I asked the question I had been planning to ask for weeks. “What’s the plan for long-term?” ‘Well we may tweak your medication down the line if something new comes out,’ he said, ‘but you’ll always need to be on something.’ He then confirmed the potential diagnosis of bipolar that I had been given back in October.

I wasn’t shocked by it. Naturally I hoped he might say ‘I think you just had a season of depression, we can try to wean you off things and see how it goes.’ But the more I view certain seasons of my life through the lenses of a bipolar diagnosis, the more some things make sense.

I’m definitely still learning how to live with my medicated self. There are still moments I feel like the “real me” is a bit lost in a haze. There are things about the pre-2018 me that I still miss. Primarily, it feels like my passion for God had a big bucket of water dumped on it….I haven’t really prayer journaled or had an amazing quiet time for weeks/months. And I miss it. I miss feeling Him the way I used to sometimes.

The doubt tries to creep in. Those moments when I felt the Spirit whispering truth into my heart, was that just hypomania? Was I deceiving myself? Will I ever be able to experience that again while stabilized on medication?

A friend shares a blog by an author with bipolar. It is her story which drives me to write today again, because in her story I see my own.

“I clung to my enlarged capacity and imagined how different my life would be if it remained. This hypomanic thrust of energy makes me believe I am the woman I was created to be. I see God. I am unafraid. This is the hardest part of bipolar. Knowing it can’t and won’t last. That the meds will bring me back to some kind of salvific ordinary and if I refuse them, I know the descent into madness too.”

Alia Joy, http://aliajoy.com/the-fluency-of-hope/

After a full year of not fully knowing or trusting myself, after more roller coaster ups and downs than I can count, I am thankful for the new combination of medications I’m on that have helped me to function “normally” these past four months. And yet it’s a new normal, not quite like the old normal. I’m still trying to find my way…still trying to find what’s next after 2018 stripped me away from the place where I had made my adult home.

My normal now seems so very ordinary—so very rhythmic. Get up & go to work—change diapers and feed cereal and enjoy nap time and love Baby V; workout & go home to dinner or maybe to an evening activity. I live for the weekends and payday as they both give a break to my routine. I’m working on meeting more people. I’m working on community. But it’s not always easy, not for an introvert like me.

“These days I go back and pull from my writing, my memories, and try to remember the world as I once experienced it. It’s more muted now. Calmer. There is less meaning in everything. The regularity of life has replaced the roller coaster. It feels more like a slow ferry ride, chugging steadily through thick and murky waters. There is a mundane element that I am learning to embrace, the ordinariness of chopping vegetables for stew. Walking the dog. Adding paper towels to the grocery list. The feel of my pillow beneath my head with no rambling thoughts to pull me from sleep and taunt me.
But there are sacrifices to surviving. I know this now. This disease costs you something whether you stay sick or you get well. Because who am I if I am not bipolar? What parts of my disease were a broken brain and what parts are me, the me I’ve always known?”

Alia Joy, http://mudroomblog.com/when-i-am-bipolar/

Baby V’s cry breaks the silence of the house, and it’s time to go back to nanny-mode. With no answers found, no breaking of the clouds, no voice from heaven. But in voicing these things, even here, I’m letting my mind voice itself to God. I know and believe that He hears & sees & knows & answers—in His time & will, and for His glory.

A Dawning Realization

Please note: This post is just about me. I firmly believe that God has everyone on their own journey. This is a step in my own personal path.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve quit watching TV. It didn’t come as an intentional decision, just a necessary consequence of changing priorities.

Amusement in the form of movies & especially TV shows has been an off-and-on (mostly on) addiction for me for almost a decade.

During college it was NCIS. In Uganda and Dallas, it became Sherlock and then Survivor—season after season of it.

There have been a couple times I have literally watched episode after episode, all through the darkness of the night until nearly dawn.

Again and again, guilt would assail me for putting so much time into amusement. But again and again, I would get sucked back into it.

In January, when I was sick in bed with the flu for three days straight, basically all I did was watch movies on my computer.

AMUSEMENT. I still remember years and years ago, my dad looking up the etymology of that word. Check this out: it literally means “to divert the attention, beguile, delude;” in other words, to avoid musing/thinking. 

I’m working through a book called Genesis Process with a small accountability group here at a church in Portland. Originally written (by Michael Dye) to help recovering addicts, it has since been broadened to cover how to deal (spiritually and emotionally) with a wider variety of coping skills. And my relationship with amusement has definitely been an addiction/method of coping by avoidance.

“Remember, the limbic memory records things that have to do with fear/pain and pleasure/reward. So when you do something that makes you feel better, taking away pain and fear, you will naturally want to do it again.” Genesis Process #7, p. 97

College was a super stretching/growing time for me. I was away from my nuclear family for the first time in my life—and for me that was a huge step. There was the stress of college plus the processing of relationships, old and new.

I also became exposed to a lot more media consumption than I had been previously. I made the discovery of how to watch full movies online for free. {Yep, I’ve done that—a lot.} At some point in the first couple years of college, it became a frequent habit to watch some movie/show on my computer before going to bed. And the habit has mostly stuck through the years since…even in the bush of Uganda.

For me, this habit was a way to forget about the stress/problems facing me in real life. Especially with NCIS, I’ve realized that I hungered for those “real-world” problems that could somehow always be solved in 45 minutes, or maybe an hour and a half. I have also been fascinated by the character development in all three of my pitfall shows.

But in the past few weeks, I’ve noticed myself pulling back from the habit when I’m alone. For a few reasons:

• As I’ve been wrestling with early morning insomnia, an earlier bed time is wiser/necessary. I’m talking 8/8:30 pm some nights! :O
• Plus, screen time right before bed is an insomnia no-no anyway!
• I’m realizing the critical importance for me of processing heart-level issues with God via writing or journaling. This takes time!!
• God is working on bringing healing and revealing how my own choices have led me to where I am. And, by His grace & strength, I want to change and be more intentional/proactive.
• I have lots of responsibilities from Servant Teams that I can’t seem to get on top of….partly because of the time spent doing personal writing. There’s just not enough hours in the day to spend a couple on amusement!
• I’ve found myself wanting to stay in touch with my close friends in other places. Those phone conversations have been sweet times of encouragement and fellowship to me, and hopefully to my parents/’sisters’/mentors as well!!

I don’t have a neat bow to tie this post off with. I’m still on the journey. Like I said, my recent solo-time amusement fast hasn’t been something I intentionally planned on…it has just happened. And I know myself—I’m guessing that there will be future times when I’m lured back into it. But for now, I’m enjoying being more proactive and intentional with my alone time.

Please pray for me to learn a balance in this area of my life as well—not to be a pendulum wildly swinging from one extreme to the other. Thanks so much!

A UGM Story

Being a detail person, I wish I could share this story more in-depth with you. But the need to respect the confidentiality of our UGM guests necessitates me keeping this pretty general.

It started a week ago Thursday.

No, actually it started earlier than that. I don’t remember when the first time was that I came out from behind the table…but I definitely felt the difference when I did.

What do I mean, “out from behind the table”?

Well, when I first showed up to work at UGM nine weeks ago, the crew chief encouraged me to start off serving food to the guests, until I got to feeling comfortable in the environment. When serving food, a table separated me from the line of hungry people. Interactions were brief, focused mainly on what food item they wanted. Even when I helped the resource guru, the table we sat behind still created a type of barrier.

My typical view when serving...though this was on a very lightly attended morning!

Eventually, I felt ready to move out and try “working the floor” – clearing trash, wiping down tables, scooting in chairs, sweeping crumbs, etc. Being out from behind the table seems to even the playing field in a way. It opens one up to the possibility of longer conversations. Honestly, I’m not great at capitalizing on that opportunity, but I have had people stand and talk with me for a couple minutes at a time—one lady asked me to pray for her situation. But that’s her story…

The vast majority of our guests are conscientious about throwing away their own trash and letting us know if they accidentally spilled something. So oftentimes those of us working the floor are not constantly busy.

Well, a week ago Thursday I was working floor again – and I noticed some trash (cup/napkin/etc.) at an empty spot. So I cleared it away. A few minutes later, I noticed a man sitting there. And he was glaring at me, hardcore. The only thing I could conclude was that he wasn’t happy with me for throwing his empty things away while he was back in line for more food.

The glaring continued, so that I finally moved from my normal standing spot to the other side of the room to avoid his gaze. Eventually, he left the building. When I was going around with the broom and dustpan later, I realized that there was a bag of plastic bottles/aluminum cans at the chair where he had been sitting. Thinking he might possibly come back for them, I set them near the front door.

And I was right—he came back. I happened to be near the door when I saw him coming in, so I plucked up some courage and went up to him with the bag. “I think you left these,” I said…and he thanked me. A simple enough interaction, but I feel that I was able to show him a taste of Christ’s love even in that brief interchange…especially in light of the angry way he had been staring at me earlier.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. I was sitting at the resource table near the front door and saw this same man come in. And when he saw me, he actually waved at me. Later I saw him talking to one of our crew members—and then the next thing I knew, this guest was sitting down in the chair across from mine, asking what type of resources I had to offer.

At the resource table!

To say that I initially felt intimidated because of the ‘evil eye’ he had given me the time before might be an understatement. But neither of us referred to that previous interaction—and while it was definitely prominent in my mind, part of me wonders if he remembered it at all. If he hadn’t waved at me when he came in, I would be more inclined to say that he didn’t. But the wave seemed to indicate recognition….so who knows.

Anyway, what followed was an interesting conversation full of several tangents. Like I said, I would love to tell you all the details…but that would be broaching his right to confidentiality. Suffice it to say, he seems to be a widely-read, well-educated person. Although I don’t know the veracity of some of the things he was telling me about, he made me think of someone who would love to be a history lecturer.

Basically, he told me that he wants to get into a recovery program for the sake of his family. That’s the generic version of what he said.

He must have sat and talked with me for…I don’t know, 15-30 minutes. Which was mostly him talking and me listening. It had been a slow morning at the resource table, so it’s not like there were others waiting. The crew guys were familiar with this guest, and at least three of them stopped at the table to check in and make sure I was comfortable with how the conversation was going—they’re so fantastic!

Well, it came time for the dayroom to close for the morning…and as we concluded filling out the informational form so my supervisor could follow up with him, I told the guest that I would be praying for him. And I told him, “I believe Jesus loves you.” According to what he was telling me, he knew he was making some poor life choices—and he wanted to change. But from one of his earlier comments, I could tell he wasn’t a believer.

Other than a bit at kids’ VBS/CEF events, I think that’s the closest I’ve ever come to sharing the gospel with anyone, especially an adult. Evangelism is definitely not one of my strong points….

He commented that I must be a liberal Christian because I wasn’t a Bible-thumping, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” type of Christian. He would have started off on another whole tangent about theology…something about how there was the Word before there was God. Which tried to push my “belief” button, but it really was closing time and I was not in the mood to get in an argument with someone I knew I didn’t agree with. So we parted ways.

But he keeps on coming back to my mind…and I have been praying for him. And I would ask that you pray for him too. I saw him in the dayroom again yesterday morning. But he didn’t come sit at the resource table with me again, so I didn’t have any personal interaction with him.

God knows this guest’s heart. God knows where he is at on the journey that He has planned for him. I may never know the rest of his story. But I hope that even just by sitting with him and being a “good listener,” as he called me, maybe—just maybe—my comment about Jesus’ love for him won’t have fallen on deaf ears.

Thanks for your prayers for him, and also for me as I continue interacting with our wide variety of guests for the next five weeks until my UGM internship finishes. The interactions I have had there, coupled with the topics we’ve been covering in our Servant Teams trainings, have definitely given me more of a heart for the marginalized and downtrodden here in my own country.

Internship First Impressions

As part of the Portland, OR portion of the Servant Teams program (see previous entry), I and two of my teammates are interning at a Union Gospel Mission here.

UGM exists to feed the hungry, restore the addict, and love their neighbor. They primarily minister to the homeless population in downtown Portland through their dayroom. UGM also runs two LifeChange programs, one for men and one for women, for those who want to recover from addiction.

The men in LifeChange work for the mission during the days, as well as taking part in counseling and other elements of the program.

My role at UGM is to help in the dayroom, offering food and other services to the local homeless guests. I started this week and will be working there every Tuesday and Thursday until December. My two teammates are working with Search + Rescue, which goes out to those living in homeless camps in other areas.

I wanted to share some of my observations from my first couple days of working there. My intention is not to pass judgment or criticize anything…these are merely what I have seen and experienced to give you a picture.

As I mentioned, it is the men in LifeChange who staff a lot of the homeless service positions. On Tuesday I met and joined the crew of seven men who prep and serve the daily meals. There have also been a couple other volunteers who have helped out as well.

The dayroom--offering protection from the elements outside, light meals, tables/chairs, and a bathroom--is open to the homeless guests three times a day, Tuesday through Friday. Breakfast (pastries, limited hot sandwiches, and coffee) is from 10-11:30, and lunch (pastries, sandwiches, and kool aid) is from 2-3:45. There is also a chapel service with a dinner afterwards in the evening – but I haven’t been part of that yet.

Pastry rack awaiting the breakfast crowd

My individual job has been to prep and hand out the pastries at three of the four meals in the two days I’ve been there. This morning at breakfast, we served over 100 guests. Breakfasts are usually a smaller group than lunch, but today’s breakfast crowd was evidently unusually large!

So here are my observations—in no particular order.

There are a wide variety of people who utilize the UGM services. Some don’t “look” homeless—others very obviously do.

There’s a wide range of responses from people coming through the line. Some don’t say a word, just point to what they want. Others interact briefly. A few express their gratitude.

Many of the guests go through the line multiple times, since they are only allowed two items at a time. Some get right back in line as soon as they’ve received their first items and make that circle often.

The dignity of choice – some guests have an opinion on exactly which piece of pastry they want. Most simply specify a flavor. Only a couple don’t care what they get.

People’s hands have struck me as I have placed the pastries into them. Some have been bent with age. Others have been the dirtiest hands I have ever seen. One person’s looked like it was bleeding along the edge of every fingernail. Many are decently clean.

The crew I work with is amazing. Maybe if I get their permission I’ll be able to share a bit of their stories with you. I’ve only heard snippets so far. But they have been so welcoming and supportive and encouraging to me. And they have fun together.

The crew leader gathers the members together and prays with them before each time of opening the doors to the guests. He also sometimes sings along loudly to the Christian music playing on the radio :)

Today's lunch line shortly after opening.

Some of the guests stay the whole time the dayroom is open. I noticed some gathered in small groups, apparently chatting and fellowshipping. Others come and go much more quickly.

There are those who carry their bag of belongings with them every time they go through the line…presumably because they don’t want to be apart from it even for a few minutes.

I couldn’t help but notice the apparent car key hanging around one guest’s neck…or the different leggings that another guest wore every time I saw her…or the presence of phones, including smart phones.

The excitement of one gentleman about going to get fitted for dentures to replace his missing teeth.

I watched as one of my crew mates helped one particularly troubled guest put his shoes and socks back on. This guest would rarely even wipe the snot from his nose…

Quite a few guests (relatively speaking) had dogs with them…Some little and a couple big!

Only a couple times so far have I witnessed cussing or rudeness. The LifeChange workers are quick to step in and deal with any issues that arise, so that things don’t get out of hand.

Inequality is hard. I haven’t been able to avoid taking note of the difference in the lunch served to the UGM staff/residents vs. the more limited fare for the homeless guests. And it pangs me that we live in a world in which such inequalities seem virtually unavoidable.

Yesterday at lunch, several guests were thrilled to get potato salad—such a seemingly small thing, but it seemed to make their day.

During lunch today, I sat with a lady at a resources table. She is a wealth of experience and information about what services are available to homeless people. She volunteers her time to help connect the UGM guests to what is available to help their individual situations. The goal is that I will be able to help her and maybe even do it in her absence…but the latter is a tall order, as there’s no way I can match her level of knowledge in such a short time!

Well, it’s late and I think that’s all I’ve got at this point. Thanks for reading!!

A Life Update

Obviously I'm not the best blogger!!!

My main excuse is that I have a monthly email newsletter I send out to a long list of friends--and I am usually very active on Facebook.

But I was getting ready to write a new blog post here...and then realized I should really put a more general update! Due to a variety of circumstances, including health issues, I ended up resigning from my position and leaving Uganda in April.

Here's the email update I sent out in July with my news about what is next, just in case you missed it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life, and my feelings, have continued to be a roller coaster over these past months. There have been days that have been exciting and fun, like several trips with my parents—especially camping with Nathan over the 4^th of July in North Dakota.

But there have also been days when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always responded rightly to the circumstances and trials that God has been allowing in my life for His purposes. In fact, there have been times my attitude has been downright rebellious.

But God. Two simple little words, but what a wealth of truth and hope is summed up in those two words.

I don’t have all the answers I wish I had. I made choices that led me to this place, which I regret. But I think one of the lessons I’m learning from this is being reminded that God is the Redeemer of broken things. And He has placed a new, open door of opportunity before me—even when I recognize so clearly that I have done nothing to deserve it.

Last year, I heard about an organization called Lahash and joined their mailing list. They partner with various grassroots ministries in East Africa. When I got back from Uganda in April, I found a brochure in my mail about a program they run called Servant Teams. Servant Teams is a gap year program for young people ages 18-30, with a motto of Love God, Serve Together. It focuses on training missional leaders for local and global ministries, something that I would love to be part of.

I was intrigued by what I read in the brochure, and even with the fresh pang of leaving Uganda I wondered if this might be something God had next for me. Well, I sent in my application on the day of the deadline, and the following week I had an interview with the program director. Seeing my own shortcomings and weaknesses, I doubted that I would be accepted into the program.

But the following week I got a call, offering me a place in this year’s Servant Team! It took a couple days for the reality of my acceptance to sink in and grow into excitement about this amazing opportunity. But by now I can say that I am definitely blessed and thrilled to be part of this program!

There are a lot of details about the coming year that I don’t know yet…but to read more of what I do know about it you can check out this link and watch the included video.

This is a 10-month program, running from September to June. I leave on August 29^th to start the program! The first five months our team of five [now four] will be taking part in trainings at Lahash’s headquarters in Portland, OR. We will also be interning at a Union Gospel Mission in Portland, or with a community development group called the Rosewood Initiative. Then in February we will travel to Tanzania, East Africa for another five months of interning with Grace and Healing Ministries, one of Lahash’s partners.

I don’t know yet what will come after June, or what other doors of opportunity being part of Servant Teams may open. But I believe this is what God has placed in front of me for the next year, and I can’t wait to be grown and stretched and renewed through it!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Obviously I am now in Portland, OR! I arrived about two weeks ago, and our team has dived right in to getting to know one another and being oriented to Lahash International's programs and underlying philosophy. It's been a fantastic and amazing experience so far!!

Here is our team of four, plus our two facilitators on either end:

Praising God for Colds & Delayed Flights

So this past week I’ve been in South Africa with a couple fellow staff ladies at a retreat for missionary women. As I type this, we’re in the air over Johannesburg on our way home to Kasana.

God’s timing is always so perfect – earlier this year when my friends started talking about this retreat, I thought it sounded like a good idea…..and then in the past couple months things have happened that have shown me just how much I really did need a time of renewal.

The past year has been filled with a lot of ups and downs—and for that matter so have the two years before that! Over the last few months, I’ve begun realizing that I’ve let those challenging circumstances affect me, putting layers of hardness around my heart.

On Sunday night when the retreat opened with a time of worship, we weren’t two lines into the first song before I had tears running down my face. I know without a doubt that people were praying over the retreat, because I felt the Holy Spirit honoring their prayers by breaking through the inner walls I had been allowing to build up.

God spoke to my heart that night more directly than I have felt Him speak in some time. Calling me to repentance—and reminding me of His forgiveness and love. That night I spent a chunk of time journaling it out so that I can remember and look back at it.

But I wasn’t feeling so well. Saturday as we had traveled to the retreat, I had felt myself coming down with a sore throat, which continued on Sunday. All day Monday, my nose was almost constantly running. And so while others went through Kleenex from crying, I was using them up to handle my cold.

I let myself be miserable about how I felt—wallowing in self-pity. Because I didn’t feel well, and I was annoyed about it. Justifiably so, right?

I made a comment to someone that day about how I was thankful for how God had been speaking to me during the retreat, but a bit apprehensive about whether the effect would “stick” after the ‘high’ of the retreat.

The next morning, I got up still feeling unwell—particularly because I hadn’t slept very soundly. As I was dragging around my room trying to get ready for the day, God gave me a much-needed slap in the face.

Our speaker for the retreat was talking about how we deal with suffering based on the book of Job. On Monday morning, she had talked about how people form different views of God in the face of suffering. Some become cynical, some think they know the answers, and others (like Job) choose to trust God’s sovereignty.

On Tuesday morning, the Holy Spirit showed me that I wasn’t having a very Job-like attitude. I was behaving selfishly, and letting my physical circumstance dictate my heart attitude. Which is the same choices that had kept me stuck in a pit of apathy for most of this year.

And so I had to again repent for my behavior. Even a silly little thing like a cold at an inconvenient time is NOT out of God’s purview!!! He allowed it for a reason—and my responsibility is not to mope and question why, but rather to accept it with thanksgiving and worship!

As I accepted that in my heart, the Holy Spirit filled my mind with verses from the Psalms and songs. I left my room singing worship to God. Because He totally changed the attitude of my heart!! Instead of being frustrated, I suddenly became thankful for the cold. It gave me just the practical test I needed to keep me humble and yet also show me how simple obedience really can be.

I told my small group this—and they could even see the difference in my face. Yes, I still felt a bit crummy—but when God turned my heart attitude around, that made a huge difference. And so I was able to enjoy the last two days of the retreat even more, as well as learning a valuable lesson in practical application!

Today my fellow staff member and I have had another test. We woke up at 3:30 this morning to go to their airport for our 6 a.m. flight (first of three) on the way back to Uganda. But, instead of leaving at 6 a.m., that flight didn’t take off until 11 a.m. (long story, believe me!!).

We were scheduled for a four-hour layover before the next flight—but obviously even that wasn’t long enough for a five-hour flight delay. Worse yet, that first leg of our trip was booked separately from the rest because it had been cheaper up front that way. But with the delay & missed flight, we were on our own between airlines.

Of course, it all worked out….but instead of arriving in Entebbe at 11 p.m., we will now arrive at 3:30 a.m.—and possibly be charged extra money. We’re still not quite sure on that point. We were quoted a price, but then not asked for payment.

Through it all, it’s been an opportunity to once again choose to trust God and not just be angry about what He has allowed. I felt especially bad for the flight crew of that first flight, as they had a plane full of mostly annoyed people (some who were rather vocal!!) sitting on the tarmac for three hours.

But God has a plan even in this, one we may never understand. But it’s all part of our sanctification process—because God is so good at what He does that **nothing** is wasted – He works ALL THINGS together for the GOOD of His beloved children!!

And *that* is why I’m thankful for a cold & a delayed flight.

{Now as I post this we’re waiting in Nairobi – our next flight boards in just about half an hour! Almost back to Uganda….!!}