Breaking the Silence

A week and a half ago, I sat in my psychiatrist’s office. Thankful that I had made it two more months since my last appointment with no sudden downturns, no sleepless nights.

But I told him I was feeling apathetic in the mornings, like it was hard to get up in time to read my Bible—it was easier to snooze my alarm until I had to get up for work. I said I would try to take my medicine earlier the night before, he nodded his head and said what I am on are the least sedative drugs in their families. He commented on the smile and sparkle in my eye I had, even though it was still morning.

Then I asked the question I had been planning to ask for weeks. “What’s the plan for long-term?” ‘Well we may tweak your medication down the line if something new comes out,’ he said, ‘but you’ll always need to be on something.’ He then confirmed the potential diagnosis of bipolar that I had been given back in October.

I wasn’t shocked by it. Naturally I hoped he might say ‘I think you just had a season of depression, we can try to wean you off things and see how it goes.’ But the more I view certain seasons of my life through the lenses of a bipolar diagnosis, the more some things make sense.

I’m definitely still learning how to live with my medicated self. There are still moments I feel like the “real me” is a bit lost in a haze. There are things about the pre-2018 me that I still miss. Primarily, it feels like my passion for God had a big bucket of water dumped on it….I haven’t really prayer journaled or had an amazing quiet time for weeks/months. And I miss it. I miss feeling Him the way I used to sometimes.

The doubt tries to creep in. Those moments when I felt the Spirit whispering truth into my heart, was that just hypomania? Was I deceiving myself? Will I ever be able to experience that again while stabilized on medication?

A friend shares a blog by an author with bipolar. It is her story which drives me to write today again, because in her story I see my own.

“I clung to my enlarged capacity and imagined how different my life would be if it remained. This hypomanic thrust of energy makes me believe I am the woman I was created to be. I see God. I am unafraid. This is the hardest part of bipolar. Knowing it can’t and won’t last. That the meds will bring me back to some kind of salvific ordinary and if I refuse them, I know the descent into madness too.”

Alia Joy, http://aliajoy.com/the-fluency-of-hope/

After a full year of not fully knowing or trusting myself, after more roller coaster ups and downs than I can count, I am thankful for the new combination of medications I’m on that have helped me to function “normally” these past four months. And yet it’s a new normal, not quite like the old normal. I’m still trying to find my way…still trying to find what’s next after 2018 stripped me away from the place where I had made my adult home.

My normal now seems so very ordinary—so very rhythmic. Get up & go to work—change diapers and feed cereal and enjoy nap time and love Baby V; workout & go home to dinner or maybe to an evening activity. I live for the weekends and payday as they both give a break to my routine. I’m working on meeting more people. I’m working on community. But it’s not always easy, not for an introvert like me.

“These days I go back and pull from my writing, my memories, and try to remember the world as I once experienced it. It’s more muted now. Calmer. There is less meaning in everything. The regularity of life has replaced the roller coaster. It feels more like a slow ferry ride, chugging steadily through thick and murky waters. There is a mundane element that I am learning to embrace, the ordinariness of chopping vegetables for stew. Walking the dog. Adding paper towels to the grocery list. The feel of my pillow beneath my head with no rambling thoughts to pull me from sleep and taunt me.
But there are sacrifices to surviving. I know this now. This disease costs you something whether you stay sick or you get well. Because who am I if I am not bipolar? What parts of my disease were a broken brain and what parts are me, the me I’ve always known?”

Alia Joy, http://mudroomblog.com/when-i-am-bipolar/

Baby V’s cry breaks the silence of the house, and it’s time to go back to nanny-mode. With no answers found, no breaking of the clouds, no voice from heaven. But in voicing these things, even here, I’m letting my mind voice itself to God. I know and believe that He hears & sees & knows & answers—in His time & will, and for His glory.

A Life Update

Obviously I'm not the best blogger!!!

My main excuse is that I have a monthly email newsletter I send out to a long list of friends--and I am usually very active on Facebook.

But I was getting ready to write a new blog post here...and then realized I should really put a more general update! Due to a variety of circumstances, including health issues, I ended up resigning from my position and leaving Uganda in April.

Here's the email update I sent out in July with my news about what is next, just in case you missed it.

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Life, and my feelings, have continued to be a roller coaster over these past months. There have been days that have been exciting and fun, like several trips with my parents—especially camping with Nathan over the 4^th of July in North Dakota.

But there have also been days when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always responded rightly to the circumstances and trials that God has been allowing in my life for His purposes. In fact, there have been times my attitude has been downright rebellious.

But God. Two simple little words, but what a wealth of truth and hope is summed up in those two words.

I don’t have all the answers I wish I had. I made choices that led me to this place, which I regret. But I think one of the lessons I’m learning from this is being reminded that God is the Redeemer of broken things. And He has placed a new, open door of opportunity before me—even when I recognize so clearly that I have done nothing to deserve it.

Last year, I heard about an organization called Lahash and joined their mailing list. They partner with various grassroots ministries in East Africa. When I got back from Uganda in April, I found a brochure in my mail about a program they run called Servant Teams. Servant Teams is a gap year program for young people ages 18-30, with a motto of Love God, Serve Together. It focuses on training missional leaders for local and global ministries, something that I would love to be part of.

I was intrigued by what I read in the brochure, and even with the fresh pang of leaving Uganda I wondered if this might be something God had next for me. Well, I sent in my application on the day of the deadline, and the following week I had an interview with the program director. Seeing my own shortcomings and weaknesses, I doubted that I would be accepted into the program.

But the following week I got a call, offering me a place in this year’s Servant Team! It took a couple days for the reality of my acceptance to sink in and grow into excitement about this amazing opportunity. But by now I can say that I am definitely blessed and thrilled to be part of this program!

There are a lot of details about the coming year that I don’t know yet…but to read more of what I do know about it you can check out this link and watch the included video.

This is a 10-month program, running from September to June. I leave on August 29^th to start the program! The first five months our team of five [now four] will be taking part in trainings at Lahash’s headquarters in Portland, OR. We will also be interning at a Union Gospel Mission in Portland, or with a community development group called the Rosewood Initiative. Then in February we will travel to Tanzania, East Africa for another five months of interning with Grace and Healing Ministries, one of Lahash’s partners.

I don’t know yet what will come after June, or what other doors of opportunity being part of Servant Teams may open. But I believe this is what God has placed in front of me for the next year, and I can’t wait to be grown and stretched and renewed through it!

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Obviously I am now in Portland, OR! I arrived about two weeks ago, and our team has dived right in to getting to know one another and being oriented to Lahash International's programs and underlying philosophy. It's been a fantastic and amazing experience so far!!

Here is our team of four, plus our two facilitators on either end: